As WRT and I were in the car yesterday Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing’ came on the radio and memories of my dear sister, Heidi, came flooding in. Tomorrow marks three years since her passing, sometimes it truly feels like yesterday. Other times it seems so long ago. Thoughts of her always invoke soul-searching, questions, smiles, tears… I miss her terribly.
Every now and again I still think of picking up the phone and calling then immediately realize that it’s not quite that easy! Since shortly after her death I’ve had several variations of a very tender, real, difficult dream. They always involve nieces and nephews in a family setting, typically at or near my parents’ home and she is ‘in charge’ (as per usual!) of an activity with the younger children. We’ll be talking and laughing together then I’ll remember that she’s dead and ask her if she knows she that. She tells me of course she does but she is busy and has things to do here and ‘there’ as well. She implies that there are things that I need to decide then goes back to the children’s activity.
I am aware of some of the decision making the dream refers to, there seems to be something else tho that I have yet to figure out. The major decision involves am I letting a life-long desire, and perhaps a fear of not having it, influence a close relationship or is it really ‘as good as it gets’ and I need to accept something and deal. In a way, having to make a similar decision was one of many reasons Heidi chose to take her life.