Life, death, knitting sanity

Heidi H. Benson 1966-2009

My dear sister Heidi (of Heidi’s stole ‘fame’) passed away early this morning after a long struggle with health and mental issues. The last two weeks have been spent knitting socks in the ICU to keep my hands busy, give WRT something tangeable to show my love and appreciation for his support and strength through all this, and a blue wrap for Mom to hopefully comfort her a tiny bit.

I wish I knew how to express my feelings at this point. I love Heidi so much and I’m grateful that she is finally at peace. I’m filled with grief that she’s gone, I miss her horribly all ready. It hurts that my parents are having to deal with her passing. Parents simply aren’t meant to outlive their children, particularly aging parents. In addition to my own sorrow I have a hard time watching my other sisters go through this. Heidi has certainly had her ups and downs, it’s been a difficult and tumultous life for her.

Her son, Tyler, passed away several years ago and she put the love and energy she had as a mother into her nieces and nephews. Yet she was always the favorite aunt, the one who entertained, provided for, loved all her nieces and nephews – all her family but particularly the younger generation.

Mom and two other sisters are working on her obituary right now and I need to get over there to help out with the other arrangements. I’ll write more later on.

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I ended up writing her obituary with a lot of input from the rest of the family. We went to the mortuary, picked out her casket – she’d like it – went over the arrangements. It was a bitter-sweet experience as we cried, smiled at memories, Mom even commented on how much knitting I got done at the hospital, we wondered how to get everything finished and just what really needs to be done…

I’m so grateful that my parents have the support of their neighbors/fellow church members; as I was pulling in the driveway this morning several of their friends were all ready there. By the time we got home from the mortuary someone had dropped off a few groceries so Mom doesn’t have to worry about going to the store, another friend had brought a pot of stew over and had it simmering on the stove. Their church group has worked out meals for the next few days, a house sitter during the funeral, a family lunch afterwards, etc. Again, I am so tremendously grateful that they are being taken care of.

Another thing I’m grateful for is how wonderful and supportive my own friends have been throughout the last two weeks. I’ve had constant texts and phone calls, offers of rides and a great deal of support. I’ve been very blessed.

Mom’s breast cancer ‘not pink’ new wrap and graduation

I’ve been working on a wrap

Mom's Wrap(photo added 7/25 obviously) for Mom.

Her mastectomy went extremely well and she insists she hasn’t had much pain. I’m extremely grateful for that. Her follow up is in a bit, we’re hoping the surgeon was able to get it all. She even attended my daughter’s high school graduation on Friday!

Yep, MarMar made it. I’m definitely a proud, happy, and grateful mom right now. She had to work her little rear off to do it and she did!!!!! She’s extremely intelligent, just didn’t see the need for school for a while there but was able to make up all the credits. I’m so glad she realized she could do it – and did!

she’s looking rather smart in her b/f’s glasses

There are a lot of other things going on. Some wonderful, some rather awful. It’s a voyage of discovery, that much is certain.

Knitting and wow!

I’ve been making progress on the first pair of Socks 4 Soldiers – slow slow slow progress.  The first sock for TJ’s daughter is nearly finished, hope to get it done tonight and cast on second one by Saturday.  My dear uncle passed away this week and have the funeral in the morning then work.  Oh yeah, I got a job.  go me!  I’ve also come across a fantastic person who seems to keep me far more focused than I’ve been for a very long time.

Moving Forward

4B and I have decided to separate.  Although it was not an easy choice, it really is the only logical one.  Then again, it wasn’t that difficult.  The decision part that is.  We haven’t discussed the next step ~ that will come in time.  Tonight he’s out fishing with my son and some friends.  I’m glad that he’s chosen to keep an active role in my son’s life; perhaps that bond may help him keep some of the real family he has.

This is a time for reflection and growth.  For continued learning, progress without fear, and renewed sense of self.  When nothing is certain the possibilities are unlimited.

As much of this blog is dedicated to knitting and that’s my sanity right now *cheesy grin* I started another new pair of socks today.  I FINALLY learned how to do toe-up; still using DPNs but it’s major progress!  WOOHOO!!!!!  I moved the BSS over to one circular; TJ’s first sock is nearly finished. 

I LOVE progress!!!!!!!!  (enough exclamation points for ya?)

Progress?

As part of my therapy I’m supposed to have a support person.  My husband has made it clear that’s not him.  I’m going to have to figure out what/who is my ’support person’  right now it’s a dear friend who is more kind and loving than anyone I’ve come across and one of my sisters.  Both have major issues that they are dealing with – friend has MS and two young children to take care of, sister has fibromyalgia and a great deal of nerve pain, etc. – so I really can’t ask them to commit to being an actual ’support person’ but they certainly are part of my support group so to speak.

So…. for my own sanity I’ve decided to work on knitting projects for others – Socks for Soldiers, a wrap for my sister who has difficulty with cold and can’t tolerate many textures, a pair of socks for my friend, socks for my husband.  I was blessed to get some supplies for Mother’s Day as my own finances are quite limited at this time.  The dear folks at Socks for Soldiers are also sending some supplies to I will be able to contribute to that wonderful program.

Mother’s Day was an emotional disaster – my daughter didn’t call (she has major issues with my husband so has limited her contact with me because of it), my son was sweet and brought me a large Danish (he’s 14 and used his allowance to do that and put gas in the car, I couldn’t ask for a better son really) my husband had talked about doing some things but did absolutely nothing.  I fixed dinner, then decided I needed to get out of the house and all the negativity and sadness so met Dear Friend and we talked, laughed…. and tried to figure life out.