One thing….

Thought seriously about going in to work this morning but after breaking into spontaneous tears around 5:30a.m., decided not to.  Grief is a rather odd thing; it sneaks up on you and slams you pretty hard then slowly edges off just a bit until you feel like you can function then it starts over again.  What an odd emotion!

We’re all getting laid off September 2nd anyway so I’m going to spend part of the day in the ever dreaded job search mode then go over to mom’s for a while and then up to WRT’s and see TJ for a bit too.

Yesterday some of my sisters, nieces, Marci, parents and I spent hours in Mom’s living room  going through a life time of pictures sorting out the ones we want to use for the funeral program, etc.  My poor sister, Lynna has very few in comparison to the rest of us.  Apparently, that’s what happens when you’re #8 of 9 children. ooooops!

And, might  I add…  the 70’s had some fairly horrendous color and fabric choices.  Frightening, actually.  (Then again, the 80’s hair – how did we do that?!)  We chuckled over the ‘unisex’ outfits Mom made – she was quite the seamstress back then.  Everything went with everything else for the younger kids since they came in ’sets’ of boy/girl then boy/girl again.  Think red white and blue plaid double knit pants with red shirts, white shirts, and blue shirts.  We got a bit teary eyed looking at Heidi’s graduation photos – there weren’t a lot of them, wonder what happened there?  and didn’t bother holding back the tears when we came to the photos of her and her son, Tyler. (He passed away at age 4 1/2, his birthday is today.)

Yeah, that’s kind of how it went.

What’s the one thing you ask?  Life goes on.  It’s such a cliche, but comes from truth.  The last few months have been fairly intense; my living situation got too tense and I just moved back down to Utah County and am renting a room in my first husband’s house (yes, we have a fine relationship, just can’t be married to each other), the kids are here and that’s what’s important to me; was diagnosed with Lupus; Mom had breast cancer and a mastectomy, still needs the knee replacement; my oldest graduated from high school – insert happy face here;  getting laid off in a little over a month and the job market here is bleak; and the most painful of all,  Heidi passed away….  yet time keeps moving forward and so do we.  I’ve made plans for the near future, the further future and it will keep going.  (as I tell myself every few minutes)

In knitting news – I ‘discovered’ Verena and The Knitter while browsing Barnes & Noble across the street from the hospital.  Wow!  I’m in knitting love.

Verena Knitting

The only problem that I have with Verena is the exclusive use of charts.  I’m not that great at reading charts.  I’ll just have to work on it.  The Knitter has a different emphasis

The Knitter

They have Trailing Leaf – a lovely diagonal lace patterned sweater.  Zippy-Applebrain (Ravelry) is currently working on this one and it looks gorgeous in the light blue she chose.

.   There is also Honeysuckle by Sarah Hatton (ravelry link)

honeysuckle

WRT’s summer socks are coming along, I’ve stopped working on them for a couple of days since all the knitting in the hospital makes them difficult to pick up just now.  I’ll pick them back up tomorrow.  Anyway, basic men’s short sock – 1.25″ 2×2 ribbing, 1.50″ SS then broken pearl stripe for another inch or so, down another 1.50″ then heel flap worked in Sl1 K1, pearl WS rows, short row turn and then gusset pick up and on to foot portion.

Some of the nurses in ICU are knitters; talking knitting with them was a pleasant diversion from the constant chatter about the monitors, meds, ups and downs, etc.

And in entirely different news:

David’s been wanting to get his ears guaged for a while now so…. I took him to go do it a month or so ago.

Life, death, knitting sanity

Heidi H. Benson 1966-2009

My dear sister Heidi (of Heidi’s stole ‘fame’) passed away early this morning after a long struggle with health and mental issues. The last two weeks have been spent knitting socks in the ICU to keep my hands busy, give WRT something tangeable to show my love and appreciation for his support and strength through all this, and a blue wrap for Mom to hopefully comfort her a tiny bit.

I wish I knew how to express my feelings at this point. I love Heidi so much and I’m grateful that she is finally at peace. I’m filled with grief that she’s gone, I miss her horribly all ready. It hurts that my parents are having to deal with her passing. Parents simply aren’t meant to outlive their children, particularly aging parents. In addition to my own sorrow I have a hard time watching my other sisters go through this. Heidi has certainly had her ups and downs, it’s been a difficult and tumultous life for her.

Her son, Tyler, passed away several years ago and she put the love and energy she had as a mother into her nieces and nephews. Yet she was always the favorite aunt, the one who entertained, provided for, loved all her nieces and nephews – all her family but particularly the younger generation.

Mom and two other sisters are working on her obituary right now and I need to get over there to help out with the other arrangements. I’ll write more later on.

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I ended up writing her obituary with a lot of input from the rest of the family. We went to the mortuary, picked out her casket – she’d like it – went over the arrangements. It was a bitter-sweet experience as we cried, smiled at memories, Mom even commented on how much knitting I got done at the hospital, we wondered how to get everything finished and just what really needs to be done…

I’m so grateful that my parents have the support of their neighbors/fellow church members; as I was pulling in the driveway this morning several of their friends were all ready there. By the time we got home from the mortuary someone had dropped off a few groceries so Mom doesn’t have to worry about going to the store, another friend had brought a pot of stew over and had it simmering on the stove. Their church group has worked out meals for the next few days, a house sitter during the funeral, a family lunch afterwards, etc. Again, I am so tremendously grateful that they are being taken care of.

Another thing I’m grateful for is how wonderful and supportive my own friends have been throughout the last two weeks. I’ve had constant texts and phone calls, offers of rides and a great deal of support. I’ve been very blessed.